An Open Letter
You know, I was thinking about what you said, about my claim of not having a heart was actually lack of drive, but I counter your claim with this: Where does drive come from, if not the heart? I mean, did you learn NOTHING from Kingdom Hearts?! That Drive meter in II wasn’t related to brain power, you know!
And that was my cold open. Something too long for a tweet.
So I had something of a bizarre revelation a few days ago and I wanted to share it with you. It pretty much cements my uselessness as a human being. I’m sitting there, I’m playing Fire Emblem: Awakening, and I’m loving it because it’s an amazing game. Now, in this one you get to make your own unit, and naturally because I’m a creepy person I made a girl unit. Now, the thing that happened here that brought about the revelation is the fact that units can support each other and raise how effectively they work together. If it’s a male/female team they can go beyond an A Rank support status and reach S, where they’ll be considered Husband and Wife. My unit ended up with the main hero, and I actually really got invested in their relationship building.
So that’s where it comes in. I realized that I cannot feel anything in this world anymore in my heart. It feels like I’m just living through my characters, be they in my stories or in games I play, I don’t feel whole without being able to do so. And what makes it worse is that since I actually tend to invest more in my female characters it’s getting to the point where I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s like I’m just a vessel for these other characters to have their feelings be real. Now, the reason I know I can’t feel anything in this world anymore is I’ll hear something, think sympathetically, but don’t actually feel it in my heart. Like, this customer came in the store the other night and bought over $600 worth of merchandise from our lawn and garden seasonal section. His intention was to create an indoor garden for a woman who has lost the ability to go outside. I thought to myself “That’s sweet.” and got a little faith in humanity going, but regardless of thinking that, I just didn’t feel anything towards it in my heart.
I really don’t know what to do about it either. My own mind is just pulled in so many directions that I just can’t line anything up to form a cohesive train of thought. On the one hand, there’s my desire to get a better job doing something I’m actually good at and get paid a decent amount of money for it so I can stop worrying my mom to death about my finances. On the other hand, I have a massive empty void in my life that I would like to fill with a girlfriend, but it’s just impossible. I tried talking to some girls when I went back to college finish my Associate’s Degree program, I scared them off because, you know, I’m creepy. I’ve signed up for two dating sites, neither of them have provided any leads. Really this has become the primary problem in my life right now. I don’t care about myself, and I have nothing left to care for. If I had a girlfriend I might actually have something to care about again. I care more about my characters being happy right now than myself. Seriously, I actually felt something akin to happiness when I saw my custom Fire Emblem character’s child with the main hero. I can’t really express that outwardly at all.
Then there’s my friends. Hoo boy. They’re not particularly helpful with all of this, which is why I’m writing this in the first place. I feel better writing this all out over the Internet than I do actually discussing it with a friend. That’s not very encouraging. I have two friends who are married, so they’re usually pretty busy with married life and all that fun stuff. I have two friends who still live… somewhat close. One of them is more of a frienemy since I’ve had plenty of times I’ve wanted to punch him square in the face, and the other is usually too busy to talk, let alone actually hang out or anything, plus I know just how insignificant I am in that circle. That leaves… my online friends. One is a self-righteous girl who sees everything in black and white. One is a rage-aholic who doesn’t even listen to me half the time. One is pretty cool but is easily the laziest person I’ve ever met. Then there’s one who is pretty much like me, only more successful. Not completely successful, mind you, but successful enough to still have his feelings intact and interact with the world at large, and, you know, get a girlfriend.
Now, I kinda tried talking about this with one of my friends who is married, but it was just so difficult to put into words I did nothing but waste his time, and I don’t think I can fully do that, so I gave up and went back to sitting quietly in my little corner of the internet. Then my lazy friend got Fire Emblem: Awakening as well, and reminded me that I do in fact still have some feelings left, because they got hurt.
“So, I’m willing to bet you made a chick, right?”
“So which guy are you going to bang?”
I just stared blankly at the computer for a moment and let it wash over me. I’ve stated this in the past: While I am strange and I do play as female characters, I’m not gay. That wording did a pretty good job of turning it into a gay joke. Now, it was in jest and I know it, but is it just that impossible to imagine that these characters are basically a part of me? I want them to be happy just as much as I’d like to be happy myself? No matter all the crap I put them through, they usually have a happy ending, or at least an ending where they make a positive difference. Sure, none of my stories have actually reached an ending, but the plans are there in my mind. Then I told that same married friend about it, and he thought it was hilarious. I admit it, I saw the humor in it, but the bad feelings outweighed the good ones from that. I mean, what am I even doing anymore? What do I want to do? How do I do it? Is there such a thing as a girl who can tolerate how utterly devoid of personality and outright creepy I am? Is there a way I can change these things about myself without causing the power that fuels my character writing to evaporate? I just don’t know, and not a single person I know has the answers.