How to not be the Person from the First 5 Minutes of an Episode of Supernatural
In Supernatural it is customary that the random, unnamed character shown in the first five minutes of the episode is going to die a horrible, violent, possibly off-screen death. It’s unavoidable, because people apparently have no sense of self preservation and no situational awareness. This could also be titled How to not be a Japanese Student in Every J-Horror Movie Ever or even How to not get Slaughtered by a Homicidal Maniac. Media tends to look at humans as slasher fodder; in real life, it is also quite easy to become dead because of avoidable dumb mistakes.
But, I mean, if your idea of fun is becoming a real life Red Shirt, then feel free to stop reading.
We’re going to cover a lot of general situations, so be sure to pay attention and take plenty of notes.
1. Don’t investigate the strange noise!
I can’t stress this enough, okay, white people? Yeah, white people, I’m looking at you. Our natural reaction is to basically go see what made that weird ass noise. We throw all caution to the wind and just go bouncing along to our deaths like Alice chasing after the damn white rabbit. Don’t. Investigate. The. Strange. Noise. Your life depends on this, bro.
I mean, for all you know there’s an ax wielding psychopath in your living room and that strange creak you just heard was the floor settling under his giant ass kicking boots. Or it was one of those creepy ass Grasshopper!Sadako things from Sadako 3D coming to eat your fucking soul.
The point I’m trying to make here is that nothing good will come from you going outside in the middle of the night because your dog is barking. Nothing good is going to happen to you if you investigate the strange voice at the other end of the house when you’re the only one home. Quite honestly, if there’s some weird noises or just general weirdness going on around you, you should probably call 911 or something.
2. If there are a lot of people dying in horrible ways in your neighborhood, you should probably consider a brief period of abstinence.
Look, I’m not saying that you’re bad for doing to the do when your quirky neighbor turns up slashed to death in their back yard, but I’m definitely saying you should consider not doing to do when there’s someone going around killing people. Your chances of getting killed during or after sex sky rocket when there’s a maniac out there.
I mean, you’re hot and sweaty and totally focused on getting off. You might not notice a butcher knife wielding asshole sneak up on you when you’re on the cusp of an orgasm. And I know you’re probably sitting there going, “But, Crow, that is some straight up Horror Movie logic, it doesn’t apply to real life.” And I’d have to ask you to rethink your position on that just a little. We’ve all heard of couples being killed before. It’s not a stretch to say that it’s probably best if everyone kept their equipment in their pants. Just until the serial killer is caught, of course. After that you should all have sex to celebrate not dying.
3. Don’t go hunting down supposedly cursed videos, you dumb shit.
This should just be plain fucking logic, okay? I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. I don’t care if you’re a skeptic and you don’t believe in curses and shit like that. Don’t do it. Don’t be a Japanese teenage girl in every J-Horror movie ever. If there’s a video floating around on the internet that people are saying will cause you to die just because you watched it, then you should probably avoid that shit like the goddamn plague.
I’m incredibly serious right now. You don’t want people thinking that you’re the kind of person that could be strangled to death by a cordless phone, do you? Well then don’t go running around trying to get yourself supernaturally murdered by watching cursed videos.
4. Don’t try any of the Satan/Demon summoning rituals off Creepy Pasta.
Again, I don’t care if you don’t believe in that stuff. This is more on the religion side than the supernatural side, in my opinion, but no matter your stance on things, you shouldn’t do it. If you think you want to then look up at the gif above and listen to Joon’s words of wisdom. You shouldn’t do that.
Don’t go messing with powers you don’t understand. You’ve already got enough working against you with the whole being a fleshy, gooey bag of organs, blood, and bone. Don’t add to your life struggle by inviting dark forces into your home. That’s like walking up to a murderer, handing them a knife, extending your neck, and saying, “Okay, I’m ready for the stabbing.”
5. Don’t play One Man Hide and Seek, do the phone ritual, or try any of the things off 2channel.
Do I really need to spell it out for you at this point? What am I talking about, of course I do. Normally I’d let this be understood as having been covered in the whole summoning Satan and/or demons thing, but I felt like it deserved it’s own space because I cannot reiterate enough that if you don’t want to be the equivalent of a real life red shirt, then you don’t need to go fucking around with the supernatural. Seriously, man. If you don’t know what One Man Hide and Seek or the phone ritual or even what 2channel is, then cool bro, what you need to take away from this is that putting your fingernails in a plush doll and inviting spirits into it after you’ve stabbed it with a pointy object is just asking for a knife to the face from that plush doll a little while later.
You don’t actually want to recreate the movie Chucky, do you? I’m assuming you already have a healthy fear of porcelain dolls or something, I mean, we all know those things are actually evil. If you don’t want your life turning into Dolly Dearest or some weird version of One Missed Call then avoid doing dumbass shit.
6. If you’re in an old mansion/hospital/some other creepy place then don’t split up.
Well, first of all, I’d recommend getting the fuck out of wherever your dumb ass has gone. However, knowing the kind of people who actually read the things that are posted here, you’re not going to do that. So don’t split up. Don’t go wandering around all, “You go this way, I’ll go this way, and hopefully we’ll both get the ever loving shit murdered out of us!”
It’s just not logical. You should stick together. Safety and strength in numbers and all that. Besides, if you’re all in a group when the machete wielding hobo who’s been killing off the people encroaching on his squatting place comes at you then you can toss the annoying person no one actually likes but you all keep hanging out with in front of the blade and then beat his ass down while he’s carving him/her up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Two birds, one stone.
7. If people are being murdered in your town, then never leave a room or area saying, “I’ll be right back,”
because you fucking won’t. You’ll be dead the next time your plucky gang of asshole friends see you. Your head will be on a pike, okay? I cannot get graphic enough with this. Your friends will find you with your intestines strewn across wherever they found you and there will be a big ass normally non threatening umbrella shoved down your gullet.
It’s not worth it. Saying you’ll be right back is like yelling, “Here I am, come kill me,” to the most readily available murderer in the neighborhood. If people are getting sliced and diced like a holiday ham then don’t tempt fate, because fate is a cruel mistress and she will laugh and probably spit in your blood as it spills out upon the floor.
8. Don’t read, especially not aloud, from books that look shifty as fuck.
You know what I mean, too. You’ll have people who are amazed at how books work thinking, “It’s just a fucking book,” but when is a book ever just really a book? No, there are shifty books out there that are just shivering with barely contained anticipation for the first idiot to come along and read from it.
But, I mean, if you’re really looking forward to a weekend of killing your friends and being driven insane by the evil powers of mystical beings not meant to be unleashed upon the Earth, then by all means translate that book and read it aloud. It might just liven up your relationship, give you that extra something in the bedroom that you’ve been missing.
9. If there’s a killer in your house, don’t go upstairs.
Unless you have a handy fire escape or a tree right outside of a window that you’re pretty confident you can climb down, then don’t go upstairs. There’s no escape from upstairs, and if you just jump out a window you’re probably going to sprain or break something because you’re probably not fit enough or know how to stick that landing. There’s plenty of other escape options. But also don’t be like that one chick in Scream. You know the one. She tried to go through the dog/cat door in the garage and just ended up getting killed in a stupid way.
Don’t go out like that. It’s embarrassing for all parties involved.
10. If you see something, say nothing, and run like a mother fucker.
If you happen upon a creepy as fuck scene right in front of you, don’t say anything. Don’t scream. Just nope the fuck out of that entire situation. Don’t pretend to be asleep if there’s a creepy looking woman and/or kid sitting on your bed while you’re asleep. Don’t hide under a bed. You run. You run like Tyler Hoechlin is beckoning you to run to him and he’s naked, alright?
Because if you see something like this:
then it is time to fucking go. There ain’t no good gonna come from sticking around. Just turn around and run away. Run far away. Try going to a different country.
11. Always be leery of children.
I don’t mean just when shit’s already going down, I mean all the time. Children are just so cute and innocent, but nine times out of ten they’re currently being possessed by a demon from Hell or are about to be possessed by a demon from Hell. Either way, kids are pretty much no good for your survival rate.
Hell, there’s even the possibility that the kid is the murderer (remember that episode of CSI? TATTLE TELLS GO TO HELL!) or that they’re not even actually real, and you’re hallucinating some fucked up shit. I’m just saying, kids are the reason why a good, like, 30% of people die in horror movies.
And then there’s the multitude of stories all around the internet about the Black Eyed Kids out there that should make you distrust kids, too. So you should probably not open your door for children asking to use your phone.
12. In case of zombies, always have an escape route.
Okay, not just in case of zombies, but for all kinds of reasons. And no, it’s not paranoid to have your escape route all planned out in the event that zombies overtake your place of business. I mean, we have escape plans for fires and tornadoes and shit, so why not have a plan of escape for zombies or people who generally want to kill you?
You should know your exits, where it’ll actually be safe to leave the building, where any potential weapons are located, how far your exit is from your vehicle, etc. It’s not misplaced paranoia, it’s being prepared.
13. Don’t bully anyone, rape anyone, kill anyone, or generally be a fucking prick.
The more of a stain on the tapestry of humanity you are the more likely you’re going to be cursed and haunted. I learned this from watching entirely too many Asian horror movies. It’s like karma, but there’s ghosts involved. Assholes are basically to blame for like 90% of all the ghosts running around mindlessly killing innocent bystanders in almost every Asian horror movie ever.
The girl you’re bullying might be learning to kill people using written words infused with a curse. The woman you and your buddies raped and killed might follow you around and show up in pictures before systematically killing everyone involved. The person you killed might just come back and meow at you like a cat until it kills you. Don’t take chances, be a good person.
14. Watch a lot of horror movies.
A whole bunch of them, in different genres. Take notes. Learn from the mistakes of all the people who die in the movies. Learn about the different things that could potentially kill you and learn their weaknesses. Learn how to evade them, learn how to generally not get into those exact situations, no matter how specific.
A lot of not becoming the person from the first five minutes of an episode of Supernatural is all about not being a dumb shit. Don’t be the friend that everyone says, “Bless your heart,” or, “You’re so pretty,” to. Become well informed, otherwise you’re going to be the person that we all secretly hope trips and falls and distracts the thing trying to kill us so we have a little more time to save our own asses.
15. Don’t just go around arbitrarily inviting strangers into your house.
There’s a lot of reasons why on this one. It could be a black eyed kid, it could be a vampire, it could be a murderer, it could be just about anything. Don’t just sit there and yell, “Come in,” unless you know exactly who is on the other side of that door. I mean, it probably won’t help much against a serial killer who’s dead intent on shaking you loose from the mortal coil, but it could potentially save your life.
16. Lastly, use a little common sense.
I can’t stress that enough. A little common sense, people, will save your life. Does it sound like a good idea? No? Don’t do it. Is it raining and dark when you heard the noise? Yes? Don’t go out there. A little deductive reasoning can save you a lot of dying if you just think about your situation and the likelihood of you dying by doing whatever it is you’re thinking of doing.
Don’t become the newest horrible American remake of an Asian horror movie.
If you follow all this, and probably a bunch more I’m leaving out (that’s why you need to watch horror movies, I can’t hold your hand and help you live all the time) then you should have no problem.