I Didn’t Know Where To Post This
I really wish I did have somewhere else to post this. Twitter? This shit won’t fit in 140 characters and I’m not gonna be one of those people who break up an entire page of words between like 50 posts. Facebook? No thank you. Too many people who know me. Tumblr was almost the solution then I realize people know me on there too. I don’t want people to worry about this, because this is likely just me overreacting.
I feel like I’m dying.
Over the course of the past few months, hell really the past couple of years it’s just become worse lately, I feel weaker and weaker, my body and my mind feel like they’re stretched to capacity and I don’t know what to do about it. Losing my dad two years ago was probably where it started. Actually I have no doubt of that. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before. Nothing has filled that hole in my life though, and I don’t know if it’s weighing down on my body as well as my mind or not but I feel exhausted all the time, and I don’t even think I have fun anymore. Sure, I watch something I enjoy, I laugh at things I find funny, but nothing really leaves me fulfilled anymore. Is it because I feel so alone? Thinking back, I can think of the last time I was truly happy: I had two friends visiting from New York for about a week back in… oh, 2009 I think. We had so much fun. Now? I’m lucky if I can get anyone to go do anything. Even my online friends have become more divided. We all still sign on Teamspeak, but everyone is doing their own things and we rarely do anything together on there anymore.
I’ve been wanting to try and get friends to get on Teamspeak and we all watch something together on Netflix. No one seems keen on the idea. Something I really miss with my dad was just sitting down and watching movies while snacking on various things. He loved that, even if he’d seen something a hundred times. Hell, he was even willing to watch some stuff of mine from time to time. I never really got him in to anime but I showed him a few things that he liked. Gungrave. Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz. There were even some regular cartoons and TV shows that he refused to watch that I eventually got him to relent on and he ended up loving them, like NCIS, Batman Beyond, and Transformers Prime. I tired to get some friends to watch my favorite episode of Columbo with me, and one of them said “You are the only person under 40 who even knows what Columbo is.” And that cut deep. I’m a fan of things like Columbo and Doctor Who because my dad introduced me to them. I want to share that with people, and it just doesn’t happen.
Then there’s the physical problems… I work retail. I have a messed up hip right now. Try to imagine how unbelievably painful it is standing at a cash register for around 3 hours total during a shift when you can’t stand up straight. I’ve been to a chiropractor but there’s only so much adjustments can do if they’re just going to get messed up again when I go back to work. Everyone keeps telling me I need to go to an actual doctor, well, guess what? I can’t afford that. I make, on average, about $150 a week. At least, at least, $40 worth of it goes back into my gas tank, and this is assuming I’m working my standard four days instead of them spreading me thin over 5 days, making me spend more in gas for the same amount of money. Then I have a $140 car insurance payment every month, as well as a $190 car payment. So I roughly make $600 a month. Not bad, right? Now let’s subtract the gas. $440 left at the most. Then insurance. $300 left. Then car payment. That leaves me with $110 to myself a month, and I have various monthly fees I pay for entertainment purposes. Let’s say that’s… $50 a month between everything. $60. I have $60 a month to myself. I can’t see a doctor on that. And to top it all off, I think I have bronchitis, making it hard to breathe. Can’t afford to do anything about it though, so I sit here and hope I get better.
I don’t know if it’s just my soul feeling like it’s dying or my body, but I want it to stop. Maybe things will start looking up when I get my car paid off. That should be… August I think. The extra money will come handy. Maybe I can afford to enjoy life again then.
Featured image provided by Gratisography