Not quite a soliloquy, not quite a rant. Bit in between.
Head’s up.. This is most likely going to devolve to a full on rant.
I’m standing here at just shy of 3 decades of life. I stand here looking at what is ahead and behind me. Looking at the multiple futures awaiting, all hinging on one choice or another, yet I am urged to look back at where I came from. I’m the “second son” who was destined for nothing good. At least, that is how the wives tales play it out. I’ve lived my life under a shadow that said I would never be good enough to do anything. Any second born child, hell even third and beyond, can tell you the same type of tale. For the most part. All parents throw their hopes and dreams on the first born. We know this in one way or another. A lot of families can take some of the shiny and sparkle off the first born and share it amongst their other children. For those children that had that luck, be happy for it. I’ve grown up under a shadow that until recently I never thought I’d outgrow or move out of. I grew up being told that I would never amount to much of anything. Grew up constantly being told that I wasn’t good enough. My formative years were, in essence, “you are a failure and always will be.”
Well, you know what? Fuck that. Right in the eye. Did I have some failures? Fucking yes I did. My first marriage is a perfect example of that. And everything that revolves around that period in my life. But I persevered. I moved past all the negative BS and found my path. The path that led me to my wonderful wife and my new extended family. We see all this stuff in the news about bullying in school nowadays..but we never see a blip about bullying at home. We all know that siblings have conflicts, it’s the way it works. But there is never any mention about how kids get bullied by their parents, one way or another. Whether it is a parent pushing their kid past their current curve in an instrument, or them downgrading the kids that aren’t first born. I recently heard that my brother, the first born golden child, couldn’t understand that I’m making more money than he is. He can’t believe that I make more working for a contractor for the government than he does doing charity work. A part of me understands his disbelief. I mean, he did go to graduate school for history. And all I did was flunk out of community college. The difference is that even when I flunked out of college I kept myself tied to future options. I was going to college for IT stuff. Did I graduate? No. But I had enough IT background that i was picked up by HP when they were working with Sun Microsystems. I will take the time to state that Karma was definitely looking out for me with my current job. I spent over a year unemployed. Got a message from an ex-coworker telling me to send an e-mail to a guy working for a contractor. His words to me were essentially this: “You worked with this guy? Longer than he did? Here’s your new job.” I’m growing into my new work position. A position that is making it easier every day to look towards expanding my own family.
In short, regardless of what ANYONE says about what you are doing, or what they say about the way you are living life. It is YOUR life. No one else’s. We are who we are. That’s all we can be. We make our own trails through life. None of us are “secondhand” or anything along the like. If people doubt you, then fuck ’em. If you feel you have a shadow of someone or something hanging over you then let loose your own awesome self and burn it to ash. As the popular hashtag says: “#YOLO.” Even if we have multiple lives. Each life takes its own twists and turns and I doubt we follow the same course each time. Speak out for yourselves and help each other.