The life of being the “dick” in a group
Ask anyone who has known me on a personal level and they will flat out tell you that I’m a dick. Some may even add the term “lovable” ahead of that term. Every group of friends or people has one. It’s the dude that will occasionally, for no apparent reason, say something to incite the others into an argument. Doesn’t matter what the subject is. They just do it.
Being that I am that person I’m here to give you my point of view. Those that people consider “dicks” or even “assholes” thrive on chaos. So when things get to mellow in our groups, yeah we’ll occasionally throw something out there. Mainly because we are bored as hell. When I was in high school I was in a group that had a “queen bitch.” You know what I’m talking about. The one chick that had to have everyone agree with her point of view regardless of what it was. Holy hells, some of the greatest intellectual workouts I got was when I got under this queen bitch’s skin. See, in my personal experience, us assholes and dicks are the way we are because we get tired of the mundane BS that passes for common pleasantries. As Crow posted earlier..I also judge people constantly. But unlike her, I use my “status” to run with it in conversations. One of the largest blow ups when I was in high school happened between me, “The king asshole/dick,” and the “Queen Bitch.” The problem was I was able to out talk and out wit her in our argument. So her being the “bitch” resorted to flipping out over hand gestures. HAND GESTURES!!!!!
Over the years, I’ve been able to learn how to control that “dick” aspect of my personality..But sometimes, there is no way to hold it back. Especially when you are faced with a grown man in his mid twenties and is afraid of being hit by a guy OR a girl. A guy who when it happens more or less just goes “Ow shit!” and nothing about how he doesn’t like being hit. No..Instead this coward goes to the person running the RPG to complain. Keep in mind..This Person running the RPG is also a coward..One that ignores all the advice his “best friend” gave him on how to handle a wonderful woman and his own issues. So what ends up happening is this Campaign runner comes up to me and tells me that this dude has a problem. My response was pretty typical. “If he has a problem then be a man and tell me to my face.” Never happened by the way. But it was a learning experience. Helped me work on controlling my “dick” urge to an extent.
Then I started working for HP as tech support. I don’t know how many of you readers have ever worked in the IT field..But I know at least 98% of you have called some company like Comcast, or Verizon, or any other major cable company. You call ’em up and get someone thats in India about 7 out of 10 times. And you can barely understand them, and you have no idea what they understand of what you are saying..Well working through HP to support what is now Oracle was way worse. Because I got guys located in India…Who were in charge of running jobs on machines located in the US of A. And I’m not even kidding when I say this next phrase: “E as in Apple.” That is the shit I had to deal with. Not to mention the low paid guys set in place to watch over systems that cost half a mil at least who have no idea what is going on. No lie..When I was there we had calls from janitors because a plug came out. Or calls about how a tape library kept setting off their fire alarm. Or how one of their disk setups were on fire. All true. While working for HP I made some pretty awesome friends. Mostly like minded. Bit crazy like myself. But the one thing that stands out the most from those years is the one thing a co worker (Who I trained to an extent) said about me. The thing he said about me from listening to my calls with stupid customers was this: “You are the nicest asshole in the world.” And it’s true. See, before I worked for HP, I worked for Williams-Sonoma as a catalogue sales rep. Well…Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn Kids. So I ended up getting a lot of calls from pissed off pregnant women because for one reason or another they decided to wait til the last minute to order something they’d been eyeing for months..And now it isn’t in stock so they get hormonal and angry. The biggest thing I learned from that portion of my life was this: “Kill them with kindness.” I take that to mean to talk super sickeningly sweet to the customer. So much so that they don’t even realize you are making fun of them to their face. And I perfected it at HP. Hence me being the nicest asshole/dick on the phone ever.
I’ve tried to tone it down at this point. But every once in awhile I will see a friend on facebook post one of those “share” pics or post some status update, and the dick in me can’t help but tag something onto it. Most recent addition was a friend of mine who seems to be having issues with a spider infestation and put up a status about how she found a spider on her pillow. So, naturally, I had to post the pic of the spider on the toilet paper with the words “Where is your God now?”
The point of this was to try to explain to you that us “dicks/assholes” are the way we are because that’s how we are wired. It’s not that we’re actively out to piss people off..We just can’t help it. And we can control it for the most part..But every once in awhile it gets away from us. So if you have a “dick/asshole” friend. Think of how much fun you’ve had with them between their episodes. We really can’t help it. Being a dick or asshole makes our lives more interesting…And we’d rather have an interesting life over a mundane one. If anything, everyone comes away with some type of memory